i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
