True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
i think i just lost a toe
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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