I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
