Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
