Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
