Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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