bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
