so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
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Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
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In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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