dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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