At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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