I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize
