Where are you?
In a non slutty way
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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