Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Randomize
