I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
