I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
