Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
