meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
