i need an iv and a liver transplant
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
