I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
