Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
