I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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