i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
