Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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