I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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