Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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