How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
