Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
