dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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