Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
