Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
