Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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