I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
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then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
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Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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