i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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