i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
