Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
