Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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