I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
