What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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