If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Are we still banned from the library?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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