I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
