You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
