Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
