Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
