so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
How naked do you want me to be?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
