Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
