How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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