Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
