got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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