I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
