Betty ford says i'm here all night
i may or may not be watching the land before time
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
