I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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