Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
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knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
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He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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