More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
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