Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
