Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
