remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
