I just threw up on my dentist
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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