I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
