How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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