My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
