he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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