I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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