i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
